to sleep, perchance to dream

For the past two months, I have been in a fog. Sleep deprivation is a killer.

Remember my previous post? Well, it got worse. At first, I thought it was just a phase. That Elie couldn't possibly continue to wake up every hour after midnight. But after one month, I realized it was not a phase.

The second month was spent reading every baby sleep book I could find. (Clearly we are not alone--lots of parents must be seeking answers because there are A TON of books about getting babies to sleep.) The first book I read was by Dr. Sears, who at first seemed to have a kinder, gentler approach. But the more I read him, the more I realized that I was not that kind of parent. I could not wait until my child was 2 years old before kicking her out of our bed.

Although we did try it for a week--where we comforted her without picking her up--to see if she would put herself back to sleep. That was a complete failure. I was even more exhausted. This girl was not going to let us off without a fight.

At some point, sleep deprivation creates resentment, and anger. There's a reason someone wrote a book called "Go the F**K to Sleep"--and that refrain was going through my head continually. Something had to be done.

So, we drew a deep breath and decided to truly let her cry it out. And she proved quite capable of crying...for two hours. It was one of the most painful two hours I have had to live through. First there was protesting, then screaming, then sobbing. I wasn't sure if she would ever actually go to sleep. The sobbing was the worst--it was as though we had broken her heart, as well as ours. In her sobs, I could almost hear her say, "How could you Mama?"

The next morning, I looked for signs of change in Elie. What was she thinking? Was she mad at us for letting her cry? Was she going to hold it against us somehow? But she seemed okay. And after a few more nights of protest crying, she eventually stopped protesting. Whew.

She still gets up 2-3 times to nurse in the middle of the night--but I can handle that.

And every so often, she sleeps on me. Which I absolutely love. This may not be recommended in any of the baby sleep books, but I don't care.

Update: Last night, Elie decided to test us again--by waking up at midnight and fussing until 6 AM. Fede and I are exhausted. When does this end?